Do you wonder what happened to that yummy closeness you used to have with your mate? Is the chocolate-like sweetness of intimacy missing from your relationship these days?
If so, read on and discover a seven-step recipe for coaxing that confectionary delight of intimacy back into your relationship.
What do intimacy and chocolate have in common?
Well if you feel the same as most people do about chocolate, you want it and even crave it sometimes. We enjoy smelling it, cooking with it, and of course eating it!
Most of us would drive a few extra miles out of our way to try the newest chocolate confection. But, as with anything in life, it's good to maintain a balance of healthy eating in our lives so we can fully enjoy the opportunities to savor those chocolate treats when they arise.
This is true of intimacy too. Most of us want it and the majority of us even crave intimacy at times. We enjoy the delicious closeness that intimacy with another person gives us.
But in order to maintain intimacy in our relationships, we have to watch that we balance the distractions of our busy lives with the effort we make to keep our intimate connection alive and well.
So if you're willing to go the extra mile to indulge in the newest chocolaty treat in town, then consider this seven step recipe for creating the intimacy you crave right at home!
The Recipe for Intimacy
Step 1: Preparing the Bowl--Create a Supportive Space for Intimate Conversation
Many experts suggest that honesty is the best policy. The path we suggest is to talk to each other so you can really get to know how you each feel about your desire for intimacy.
Discuss what you each enjoy and what things you like to experience during your intimate times together. This kind of intimacy about intimacy can create a deep connection.
While this is a great first step, we believe that how and where you have this conversation makes a huge difference in the outcome.
We suggest that you start by creating a space for open dialogue--one with some communication guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by discussing whether there's anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.
In our work we experience that fears about being judged, or criticized can prevent people from feeling safe enough to share openly. Take the time to discover anything that might cause either person discomfort about having this dialogue.
Once you have each shared, come up with some ideas that will ensure this mixing bowl is a safe space for both of you.
Step 2: Choose Only the Best Cocoa--Leave the Past in the Past
Think about it, you've set up a supportive space for dialogue, why waste your valuable time by being evasive or wanting the other person to read between the lines. Pledge to protect this space so that intimate communication can thrive.
The fastest way to get to indulging in the sweetness of your new chocolaty intimacy is to make agreements about what you will and will not talk about.
Agree that you'll be open and honest about what you want that would improve the intimacy in your relationship.
Agree that you'll only bring up past events to determine what you would like to have in the future and refrain from analyzing what was wrong or who was at fault.
Agree that you'll focus on one topic at a time and refrain from attempts to "fix problems" in other areas of your relationship.
Agree that you'll focus instead on what you'd like now and let go of discussing "who did what, when".
Add any others agreements that will support each of you. Remember to include only the best cocoa of openness and honesty for your intimate time together.
Step 3: Mix in the Milk--Create a Mutual Intention
It takes both trust and the willingness to understanding what is deeply satisfying for both of you, as individuals and for your relationship, to support your partnership's ability to grow, evolve and thrive.
We suggest you work together to form a mutual intention for your relationship. You do this by coming up with a clear, concise statement about what you both want to create in your relationship.
Here's an example:
We want to create a relationship of freedom, inspiration, and caring where we both experience fun, support, and true intimacy.
Your mutual relationship intention is taking the yummy cocoa of openness and honesty, adding the milk of intention, and stirring these together to mix what both of you value and create a lasting foundation upon which you enhance the intimacy in your relationship.
For help in creating your relationship intention, you're welcome to download our complimentary Values Exercise Worksheet from the Free Stuff area of our website.
Step 4: Blend in the Butter--Ask For What You Want
Now that you understand what's important to each of you--at a personal value-based level--it's crucial that you explore what these values mean for each of you in realistic terms.
You may have identified "caring" as a value in your relationship intention statement. For one person caring might be a hug at the end of the day. But for the other a hug might not mean caring at all. For them caring is shown through time spent discussing the days events and sharing what tomorrow might bring.
Discover what each value word in your mutual intention means for both of you. Then discuss concrete examples of activities that will transform your mutual intention from spoken words to actions taken. Make a list of these.
Aaah! The creamy butter of knowing how you can get what you want, blended with the satisfying openness and honesty of cocoa, and mixed with the milk of mutual intention… another step closer to the chocolaty-delight of intimacy.
Step 5: Adding the Special Flavoring--Negotiate, Leave Compromise Behind
Compromise is recipe for frustration and resentment. Definitely not the rich chocolate of intimacy! Compromise is based in the belief that there isn't enough to go around, so you'll have to settle for whatever you can get.
Negotiation requires a commitment from each person that they will give up nothing they value, while at the same time having an equal commitment to giving up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.
Go back to your mutual intention and look once again at the values you identified. Review each of the concrete actions you decided would bring those values to life.
If any action on the list does NOT create the intention for BOTH of you, rethink it. Find a strategy that will work to satisfy your relationship intention for you both.
Remember, don't compromise--never do anything that you don't really want to do. The ability to stay true to yourselves and the process of negotiation is what allows the unique flavorings you each bring to the relationship to mingle and create your sweet delicacy!
Step 6: Sprinkle the Sugar Liberally--Gratitude
Any time of any day is a GREAT time for adding the sweetness of appreciation to your relationship. Take plenty of time to identify the things you enjoy about your relationship. Finding those things you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation goes a long way in building upon what you have created.
Make a list. And then express your appreciation to your partner: Give Them That Sugar! You can always find one tiny little thing to be grateful for. And one grain of sugar is the beginning to finding the sweetness you desire!
Let's recap your recipe for that deep, rich chocolaty goodness of intimacy so far:
Create a Supportive Space for your
Open Dialogue
Leave the Past in the Past
Create a Mutually Inspiring Intention
Ask for What You Want and Hear What
Your Partner Wants
Remember the Power of Negotiation
Give the Gift of Gratitude
Step 7: Enjoying Your Intimate Delicacy!--Renegotiation and CELEBRATION
You're getting closer to the delicious taste, touch and smell of Intimacy! You've followed the instructions this far. Now it's time to follow through on the agreements you've made about who is willing to do what, and when.
You each hope that what you've agreed to will happen. But the truth of making agreements is sometimes they happen, and sometimes they don't. Normally when an agreement is not kept, this can result in disappointment, irritation, and frustration.
Here's a much more satisfying way…
We suggest, each time someone keeps an agreement; you both acknowledge and CELEBRATE this wonderful contribution to your relationship.
Now when the inevitable happens and an agreement is not to be kept, don't dump the recipe in the trash can. Celebrate that too!
Why? Because all it means is that you weren't as clear as you needed to be when you came up with the strategy. If you had been then the agreement would have been kept.
You are inventing your intimacy. Don't give up if an experiment fails. Edison failed thousands of time while trying to invent the light bulb. Bet he knew it was a great idea, so he kept right on trying different strategies.
So if an agreement isn't kept it's time to renegotiate. Go back and repeat steps 3 through 6 and figure out what was missing the prevented the agreement from being kept. Try again.
Renegotiation and celebration are the yummy toppings that make for a Double Chocolate Treat.
Enjoying Your Blended Confection
Whipping up more intimacy in your relationship can be like creating the most heavenly of all chocolates. All it takes is for both parties to be willing (two cooks in the kitchen), that you have the resources you need (fresh ingredients), and a mutually satisfying intention (blending in each of your own personal favorites) to guides you forward.
If you follow these seven steps we're confident you'll satisfy your craving for the rich chocolaty sweetness of intimacy in your relationship. And don't forget to lick the bowl!
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Published by Beth Banning and Neill Gibson, founders of Focused Attention. Our mission is to provide very effective self help and personal development tools, and the skills to use them well. Our passion is to help you build a strong foundation for deeply satisfying relationships in all areas of your life.
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Do you wonder what happened to that yummy closeness you used to have with your mate? Is the chocolate-like sweetness of intimacy missing from your relationship these days? 
