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Stop Settling! |
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Do you notice how often people settle for what they think they can get rather than going for what they really want? How often do you see people putting up with jobs, relationships, or places to live that they don't enjoy, or doing without the little pleasures they really want and settling for things that are "good enough?" We find there are a couple of reasons people settle- for-less. Often it's out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or the big one: fear being disappointed. Often they become cynical and resigned that things could ever be different or that they cold get what they truly want. Someone once said that a cynical person is just very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again. And if you think about it, you would have to care very deeply to be cynical. Apathy wouldn't generate the kind of energy that cynical people have. We believe that these fears and our tendency to settle-for-less begins at a very young age and results from being raised in a culture where we're told what to think, what's right and what's wrong, good and bad, appropriate and inappropriate. We learn rein in our expectations as a result of being rewarded for obeying and punished for disobeying In our culture authority figures tell us what is THE TRUTH and we learn to believe what they say, and somewhere along the line we've taken these truths on as our own. We are not arguing against the value of cultural wisdom or tradition. We are simply identifying some of the negative effects of not being taught to think critically for ourselves and to discover what is important to us. If we aren't taught how to discover what is important to us, we can easily end up disconnected from our own internal sense of values. This disconnection can prevent us from developing the ability to identify what is truly important to us in our daily lives. As a result, though we may gripe about our situations, we very rarely question the authority of the underlying beliefs we hold that keep us in these situations. We don't often stop to ask, "What is important to me," "How am I about this particular situation," or "What do I value here and what do I really want?" Often, when we asked for what we wanted as young children, we were told that we were selfish for asking, or the resulting looks and actions clearly transmitted the message that asking was bad, wrong, or inappropriate in some way. We've all heard messages like: money doesn't grow on trees, don't rock the boat, and don't be selfish, there not enough to go around, or you should just be thankful for what you have. There were any number of these messages that taught us we live in a world of scarcity, we can never get what we really want, and we better just be happy with what we can get. And we learned it can be risky to ask for more than you have. But the problem with this tendency to settle-for-less is that it can lead to an underlying sense of confusion, frustration, and dissatisfaction. Not only for the people that limit themselves in these situations but also for others in their life who live with their dissatisfaction. Undiscovered Values We will make a rather bold assertion here that most of the internal distress people feel is a direct result of not being clear about their most deeply held personal values and then behaving in ways that are contrary to these undiscovered values. To see what we mean by this we're going to work through a fictional example and ask that you follow along using some area of your life about which you are less than completely satisfied. You can pick any area; your relationship with your significant other, a child, boss, employee, or even the man at the shoe repair shop. Or it can be one of your circumstances such as: your job, living arrangements, vehicle, finances, or anything like this. You'll know if the area you pick will work because you will have heard yourself say something like, "It's not so bad," "It would be more work to fix it than it is worth," "Its not perfect but it's good enough," "It wouldn't make a difference if I tried to fix it anyway", "If I tried to change this, it might get worse," or any other settle-for-less statement. Okay, do you have an area in mind? As we go through our example, imagine how each piece relates to your situation. We've said that settling for what we think we can get, rather than going for what we really want, can lead to a sense of confusion, frustration, and dissatisfaction for us and others. To illustrate this, imagine a woman who has never been satisfied with her job. She's been going to work day after day, week after week, dreading every minute. The only options she sees are either to quit or suffer. You can easily see how settling for this job could leave her feeling frustrated. But how she feels abut her job affects more than just her own sense of well being. How do you imagine she acts with the people at work, and how might it impact the way she is with her family and friends? Can you imagine how her frustration and irritation might cause her to complain about her situation? Has anyone ever complained to you about their dissatisfaction and hopelessness, with no end in sight? How did this affect you? Can you see how someone settling-for-less effects everyone and not just the person doing the settling? But what prevents this woman from looking for a solution instead of just continuing with this same old routine? As we said before, one reason we end up settling for things we don't enjoy is out of fear. Fear of failure, loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or fear of being disappointed. We also implied that this woman's distress is primarily a result of being disconnected from her most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that are contrary to those undiscovered values. If this is true, how might getting clear about her personal values help her break out of this pattern of settling-for-less and put her in action, going for what she really wants? Awareness of Our Personal Values Awareness of our personal values gives us an internal landmark or reference point that we can use as a guide for our actions. With this internal reference we can make sure our actions are in harmony with what is most deeply important to us, who we really are. For our life and relationships to work smoothly it's important that we create an alignment between our values and our actions, first with ourselves and then with others. The process of creating this alignment with yourself begins by learning to identify what you most deeply value in any situation and then creating a clear vision of what you want to experience that is aligned with your values. Once you have this clear image then you are able to identify specific, step-by-step actions and results you want to create that are most likely to lead you toward your vision. When we talk about values we mean any principle or quality that is intrinsically valuable or desirable. With this definition a person couldn't value "getting to work on time" or "making a lot of money" because these are actions or results, not the underlying principle or quality of life that these actions and results would generate. So let's examine what this woman might value that is missing in her current job situation and generating her complaints. Well, she might deeply value connection and community, but she doesn't really know her co-workers very well because no one talks about anything other than work. She might also value contribution, but she never hears form her boss that her work is contributing to the organization or the people it serves. She may also be missing a sense of creativity and freedom that would contribute to her own growth. Just by identifying how much she values connection, community, contribution, creativity, freedom, and growth, she already has gained enough clarity to see her job and herself a little differently. This change in perspective provides some distance from her dissatisfaction and shifts her focus of attention from her complaints. It's now possible for her to realize that there are simply things she values that are missing at her job. With this clarity she can now try to come up with ideas that might help her have what she is values at her present job. Were not implying that she will be able to create everything she values in her current situation, but until she knows what she values, and how these values are missing in this unsatisfying situation, she will never know what to ask for to get what she wants. But identifying what she values is just the first step. In order to make a difference she needs to translate these values into concrete actions that will result in the experience of what she values in her situation. So starting with this in mind, what actions might she take that would result in her to experiencing what she values? To create more connection and community she might organize some weekly activities with her coworkers such as a discussion group during lunch or regular recreational activities after work. To meet her need for contribution she might ask her boss to tell her how what she is doing is contributing to the organization and the people it serves. And to meet her need for growth she can also ask for support in identifying ways that she could contribute more successfully. To meet her need for creativity she could ask her boss and coworkers if they were interested in hearing creative ideas for the growth of the company. In short, when she is clear about what she values she can begin to take responsibility for creating the kind of life she wants, and taking this kind of responsibility could contribute to her own sense of freedom . Creating Alignment With Our Values Clarity about our deeply held personal values creates the possibility of this quality of internal alignment. Once we have this internal alignment it is then possible for us to share our vision of what we want with others, and begin the process of creating alignment with them about that vision. We can find out if others share these same values and are interested in experiencing them more fully. The process of creating an initial alignment with others about our values and vision makes reaching agreements with them and achieving results together happen much more quickly and easily. This opens the way for greater success and satisfaction for everyone. In our example this woman now has the key that can release herself from a situation where confusion, complaining, and hopelessness is her normal experience, and can open the door to the possibility of true freedom to create a truly valuable life. What you focus your attention on grows. Focusing your attention on your dissatisfaction and fear of taking action is the surest way to prevent having what you want. Being able to identify what you truly value in any situation, and the ability to identify and focus on actions and results that will produce what you value, is the surest way to create what you want. And for more great relationship tips, visit our blog:NewAgeSelfHelp.com Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. Published by Beth Banning and Neill Gibson, founders of Focused Attention. Our mission is to provide very effective self help and personal development tools, and the skills to use them well. Our passion is to help you build a strong foundation for deeply satisfying relationships in all areas of your life. Discover why over 80% of our clients say our courses are extremely effective for building self acceptance, self esteem, and self confidence. Learn how to reduce the stress of difficult conversations and problem situations, and accelerate your personal growth and ability to succeed at the same time. For more information, to sign up for our eZine or enroll in our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: |
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