Installment number one of:

Create Extraordinary Relationships in Every Area of Your Life

2 Essentials of an Extraordinary Relationship

Before we get started, we want you to know this is article is for everyone who is in relationship with anyone. You don't have to be dissatisfied with a relationship for this to be extremely valuable to you. So here we go. Let's start with .

One - Knowing What You Value

One essential of an extraordinary relationship is to know what is important to you, to go deep inside and discover what you most truly value in a relationship.

Let's start with getting clear about what you value. To do this it's important to see the difference between what you value and the strategies you have developed for having what you value.

    Strategies <---> Values

When we asked a woman in one of our seminars what she valued, she said she valued "people not fighting" and she also valued "people not saying they would do something if they weren't going to do it."

When we asked her what is important to her about people not fighting she said, "I feel very tense when people fight and it doesn't seems to get them anywhere."

So then we said, "It sounds like you really value harmony and effectiveness." She looked at us very excitedly and said, "Yea, that's it!"

Then we asked her what was important to her about people not saying they would do something if they weren't going to do it, she said, "Well, I just don't understand why people lie if they know they're not going to do something. I'd like them to just say so."

Again we guessed, "It sounds like honesty and integrity are very important to you." And again she said, "Yea, that's it!"

We were pointing out that her strategies are different than what she values. This is important because if you're not clear about this you tend to get attached to people going along with your strategies. And if you're attached to a particular strategy as the only way to get what you value, you are dramatically limiting how satisfied you can be.

If you believe that the only way for you to have harmony and effectiveness in your life is for people not to fight then your harmony and effectiveness is at the mercy of others. If you know your strategy is driven by your values you can choose other strategies to achieve harmony and effectiveness in your life.

Two - Knowing What You Want

Along with being able to tell the difference between your strategies and what you value, it's also important be able to identify what you "do want" instead of what you "don't want."

Imagine a woman who missed being with her husband saying to him, "I don't want you spending so much time at the office." What do think the husband might do? Well, he may join a bowling league, or take up golf. Neither of which gets the woman what she does want.

Expressing what you "don't want" will likely get you more of what you "don't want." Taking the time and examining what you value, and identifying what you do want that's in harmony with your values are two simple steps you can take toward creating the relationships you've always dreamed of.

This month's Action Steps:

In each of our eNewsletters we offer Action Steps--things you can do to explore what we've been talking about--because nothing changes unless you take action.

1. Pick one relationship in your life that you are less than completely satisfied with.

2. Download the Values Exercise on our web site to use as a guide for step 3.

3. Get a blank piece of paper and pen and make a list of what you like and what you don't like in this relationship.

4. For each thing you listed in step 2, write down what you value about each thing that you like, and what value is missing for you in each thing you don't like. (It may help to ask yourself the question, "What is important to me about this?" Use any of the words in the list on the back of the Values Exercise to stimulate ideas.)

5. Identify at least five very specific things you "do want" in this relationship that are in harmony with the values you identified. (It may help to ask yourself the question, "What would they (or I) be doing that would create what I value?" or "How would we be acting if what I value was happening?")

6. This month pay attention to whether you are being these ways and doing these things that you want to have in the relationship.

Be sure to read next month's installment of Creating Extraordinary Relationships In Every Area of Your Life. We will be discussing how to "not take things personally" and the "how-to's of compassion".

Published by Beth Banning & Neill Gibson
(c) 2005, Focused Attention, Inc.
phone: 619-421-4413
email:
web: www.FocusedAttention.com

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