Create Extraordinary Relationships
in Every Area of Your Life
Installment Number 2

2 More Essentials of an Extraordinary Relationship

Before we get started with the next two essentials of extraordinary relationships, let's review last month's action steps. Last issue you picked a relationship in your life that you are less than completely satisfied with and:

• You made a list of what you like and what you don't like in this relationship.
  
• You identified what you value about each thing that you like, and what value is missing for you in each thing you don't like.
  
• You have come up with at least five very specific things you "do want" in this relationship that are in harmony with your values.
  
• And you've been paying attention to whether you're acting in the ways and doing the things that you want to have in that relationship.

Remember that dissatisfaction is nature's way of letting you know that something you value is missing. Now it's time to create alignment.

Three - Creating Alignment

Another essential part of extraordinary relationships is the ability to create alignment about what we want in our relationships. In life, we go about our business, heading in our own directions while trying to achieve our own results, but we are all inter-connected in so many ways. As we try to achieve the results we want our interconnections put limits on how far we can go in our own direction.

When we have alignment about what we want, and we start sharing the same vision for the relationship, then making agreements and achieving results happens much more easily. This opens the way for greater success and mutual satisfaction.

The first step in creating alignment requires us to accurately identify and express our own deepest desires for the relationship, and then to develop these into a clear intention. We define Intention as: What I want right now that directs my actions toward an outcome. Having a clear intention for the relationship will direct our actions toward that outcome.

Once we have a clear intention for the relationship we then need to express that intention self responsibly. By self responsibly we mean that we only say what it is we want in the relationship and what it would mean for us to have it. In the same way that values don't refer to specific people, places, times, or actions, a clear intention is also free from these specifics.

As an example, imagine that you feel irritated in a relationship because you can't seem to get a word in edgewise. So you decide to have a conversation with the other person about this. Going into the conversation all you know is that you really don't want the other person to interrupt you any more. (This is your intention because it is what you want that will direct your actions.)

How do you imagine you would be or act during this conversation?

How do you suppose the other person might respond?

Now imagine walking into the same conversation but your intention is to create a relationship of support, cooperation, and honesty where those involved experience connection, caring, and fun.

How do you imagine you would be or act during this conversation?

How do you suppose the other person might respond?

Did you notice that the first intention is focused on your irritation and what you don't want while the second one is focused on values? Do you think people will respond more favorably to being confronted with your irritation or invited to share in what you value?

Last month we talked about the difference between Strategies and Values.

   Strategies <---> Values

The same is true for Intentions; the ability to tell the difference between our Strategies and our Intention is essential. If we're not clear about this we tend to get attached to other people agreeing with our strategies. This usually ends up leaving other people defensive and close-minded. Also, being attached to a particular strategy dramatically limits our opportunities to be satisfied. One strategy = one opportunity.

Our ability to identify a clear, strategy-free, values-based intention is essential in creating alignment. And having alignment is critical before we try to create any agreements about strategies to resolve our dissatisfaction.

We will cover how to create strategy-free, values-based intentions in this month's action steps. But now let's move into the next essential for extraordinary relationships.

Four - Not Taking Things Personally

Last month we said we would discuss the "how-tos" of compassion. People often have an idea that being compassionate means leaving themselves out of the equation, being selfless, or giving up on their needs and wants.

The dictionary defines compassion as a: Deep awareness and understanding of the suffering of another coupled with the desire to help relieve it.

Our first "how-to" of compassion is not taking things personally. Along with being able to create strategy-free, values-based intentions, it's essential we learn how to not take things personally.

We do this by understanding that everything everyone does or says is out of a desire to meet their needs or is in support of something they value. Understanding this is an essential ingredient in our ability to not take things personally.

As an example, say a young man starts a conversation with the Dalai Lama and begins by saying, "What do you know about suffering or hardships, your just a lazy old man with fifty people waiting on you hand an foot!" Now try to imagine the Dalai Lama getting angry, defending himself, and justifying his position. "Lazy old man" he says, "you don't know all the things I do and you have the nerve to call me a lazy old man. Do you even have a job?"

You can guess where that conversation would go!

Now I can imagine a lot of people responding that way, but I have a hard time believing the Dalai Lama would. But why not? What is it that the Dalai Lama knows that most other people don't?

Remember that everything everyone does or says is to meet their needs, or is in support of something they value. Remembering this frees us from reacting defensively and opens the way to compassion (a deep awareness and understanding of the suffering of another coupled with the a desire to help relieve it) and helps us have extraordinary relationships in all areas of our life.

So the next time you're feeling 'just fine' and someone says or does something that you don't enjoy and then you start feeling tense and want to defend yourself and justify your position, STOP and remember this "how-to" of compassion. Don't take it personally. Be curious. Ask yourself questions such as, "WOW, this person is really upset, I wonder what's going on with them?" Then imagine yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself, "If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?" and then see if you can guess.

Another practice that helps us to be compassionate is to keep in mind that our happiness is NOT dependent on other people acting the way we want them to act. Our happiness comes from responding in harmony with what we value.

"Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means."

~ Albert Einstein

Getting What You Want in Harmony with What You Value

With each newsletter we offer action steps you can take to explore what we've covered, because nothing changes unless you take action.

This month's action steps:

1. Let's start with getting clear about your intention for the relationship you picked to work on. To do this, look at the list of specific things you identified last month that you said you "do want" in this relationship.

2. For each of these thing you want ask yourself the question, "If I had this, if this was happening, what would I get or how would I be?" What you are looking for here are descriptive, one-word answers. Such as, I would get "connection", or I would be "happy".

(Example: Say one of the things on your list was "wanting to be heard in your relationship" and what you would get or how what be if this were happening is "understanding, caring, and connection")

3. After doing this with each specific thing on your list, take the words you came up with and turn them into your intention statement for the relationship.

(Example: Turing this list of words into an intention statement might sound like, "My intention is to create a relationship of support, cooperation, and understanding where those involved experience connection, caring, and fun.")

4. For the next month enter into each conversation in your relationship using your new intention as your guide and see what you discover.

5. Practice not taking it personally . Every time you notice that you're feeling tense about something someone says or does and you want to start defending yourself and justifying your position, STOP and remember this "how-to" of compassion. Be curious, say things to yourself such as, "WOW this person is really upset, I wonder what's going on with them?" and then imagine yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself, "If I said or did that what might be going on with me?" And then see if you can guess. Make sure you guess what they might value or what values might be missing for them to the situation.

In Next Month's Issue

Be sure to read next month's installment of Creating Extraordinary Relationships in Every Area of Your Life . We will be covering more how-tos of compassion, the power of intention to create alignment, and helping the other person to discover their values, desires, and intention.

Until then remember to be in action creating extraordinary relationships in all areas of your life, and expect success!

Published by Beth Banning & Neill Gibson

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