Create Extraordinary Relationships
in Every Area of Your Life
Installment Number 3

Essentials #5 & #6 for Extraordinary Relationships

Before we get started let's review last month's action steps. In the last issue you got clear about your intention for the relationship you picked to work on, and your practice was to:

• enter into each conversation using your new intention as your guide.
  
  
• practice not taking it personally by noticing when you feel tense about something someone say or does, then, if you wanted to start defending yourself or justifying your position, to STOP and remembered this "how-to" of compassion. What they do is not about you -- be curious.
  
  
• remember, your happiness is NOT dependent on other people acting the way you want them to. It comes from responding in harmony with what you value.
  

That's it for the review. If you'd like to look at the previous issues in this series you can find them at this link. FAI eZine Archive

Now it's time to continue in our exploration of creating alignment.

Five - Explore What They Want

The next step in creating alignment is understanding very clearly what the other person would ideally like to have in your relationship -- what values they hold dear.

Remember last time we said that when we have alignment about what we want and share the same vision for the relationship, then making agreements and getting what we want happens much more easily. Seems kind of obvious that you need to know what the other person wants in order to create alignment, doesn't it?

One way to find out what they want is simply to ask them. It's a place to start but the problem is that it's not always the most effective way to get to what a person cares about or values. This is because people often think in terms of their strategies and not their values.

If you ask them what they want in your relationship you may hear things like, "I want you to spend more time with me," " ... stop being such a know-it-all," or " ... stop interrupting me." This just tells you what they want you to do, not what they value.

It may be up to you to dig down and find out what's underneath these statements to figure out what the other person values. to do this it's important to become fluent with a vocabulary of values. This is one of the starting points in our Access Seminar because we find it so helpful for people to have this skill. It is a necessary part of our next "how-to" of compassion.

Six - Giving Your Presence.

Remember last month we gave the definition of compassion as a: Deep awareness and understanding of the suffering of another coupled with the desire to help relieve it.

Last month's "how-to" of compassion was Not Taking Things Personally. Not taking it personally is essential in being able to be present to another person.

You begin by remembering that everything everyone does or says is in support of something they value. You then imagine yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself the question, "What could I be valuing that would have me say or do this?"

As an example, let's say you ask your relationship partner what they would like to have in their relationship with you, what kind of things are important to them? And what you hear from them is, "You don't spend enough time with me and you need to stop acting like such a know-it-all."

At this point STOP -- remember that what they just said is NOT about you and Don't Take it Personally. (You can guess where the conversation would go if you did!)

Now let's imagine you choose to give the gift of your presence. The other person you're in relationship with just gave you a precious gift wrapped up inside the message, "I want you to stop being such an know-it-all, that's what I want in this relationship." And you remembered this is NOT about you, it's about something they value.

"If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening." - Marge Piercy

Now you can ask yourself, "I wonder what they value that's missing for them?" So just be present to what is underneath their words and guess what this person values that has them say this.

I might guess they value acknowledgment for all the things they know. Or maybe they would like to be able to contribute to the relationship more often. Or it's possible they just want to have more of a sense of connection. We can't know if our guess is accurate without checking with them to see. So ask.

If your guess isn't accurate then you ask them for help. even if the next thing you hear is another judgment or sounds critical, it's likely to help you to further refine your guess. If you guess accurately the first time than you want to explore what else is important to them.

You've probably heard they old Navaho Indian saying: "The best way to get to know a person is to walk a mile in their moccasins." People walk about 2 1/2 miles per hour so it takes about 24 minutes to walk a mile. Try giving this person your undivided presence for a half an hour.

During this time spend ZERO minutes defending yourself, being right, educating them, giving them advice, or anything else other than focusing all your attention on on what they value that has them say what they do. (If you find yourself doing something other than being present, start the timer over :~)

The point here is to discover what might be missing for them in the relationship by practicing this "how-to" of compassion: identifying what the other person values underneath their judgments, criticisms, and complaints.

Download this tool that can help your guessing. It's a fr.ee values exercise you can get in the Resources page of our web site. Values Exercise

"The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is listening." unknown

Getting What You Want in Harmony with What You Value

With each newsletter we offer action steps you can take to explore what we've covered, because nothing changes unless you take action.

This Month's Action Steps:
Giving Presence This Holiday

1. Download the Values exercise

2. Pick at least two people you'd like to have a better relationship with and give Presence to them this month.

3. Let them know that you would like to hear what would make their relationship with you more wonderful, and than set up a time to meet with them about this. let them know that this is a time for them to speak and that you'll only be listening or asking questions to gain clarity.

4. When you meet, spend at least a half an hour be present to what each of these people value. During this time spend ZERO minutes defending yourself, being right, educating them, giving them advice. You are done when the other person lets you know that they believe you have completely understood what they've said.

5. We suggest that you set up an entirely separate time to give them your feedback about what you've heard. This will allow them to have the sense of confidence in your desire to have heard them, rather than a set up for you to make your own points.

In Next Month's Issue

Be sure to read next month's installment of Creating Extraordinary Relationships in Every Area of Your Life. We will be covering more how-to's of compassion and putting the finishing touches on alignment.

Until then remember to create extraordinary relationships in all areas of your life, and expect success!

Published by Beth Banning & Neill Gibson

(c) 2005, Focused Attention, Inc.
phone: 619-421-4413
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web: www.FocusedAttention.com

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