Create Extraordinary Relationships
in Every Area of Your Life
Installment Number 4

Essentials #7 & #8 for Extraordinary Relationships

Before we get started let's review last month's (year's :~) action steps. In the last issue you got clear about how to identify the other person's values and give them the gift of your presence.

You did this by:

• guessing the values underneath their judgments and evaluations so you could really understand what was important to them
  
  
• picking two people and practicing being present with them without defending yourself, justifying your position, being right, educating them, giving them advice, or anything else.

The greatest revolution in our generation is that of human beings,
who by changing the inner attitudes of their minds,
can change the outer aspects of their lives.
   -- Marilyn Ferguson

Now that we're back on the same page let's continue in our exploration of creating alignment. (If you'd like to look at the Six Essentials in the previous issues in this series you can find them at the FAI eZine Archive)

Seven - Having an alignment conversation.

The next step in creating alignment is having a very clear, conscious conversation about what you each want to create in your relationship.

Remember, in Essential #3 in the 2nd installment of this series, we said that having alignment about what we want and sharing the same vision for the relationship makes it much easier to create agreements that get what we want.

This seems simple but at times it can be challenging not to jump ahead and start trying to create specific agreements. As an example, we're working with a person who's taken our seminars and is a big supporter of what we do. He is helping us create a teleseminar that offers what we know to small-business owners and entrepreneurs so they can be more successful in their company and customer relationships.

As those of you in business know, it's very important to the success of any endeavor that the people involved have clear agreements with one another about what needs to be done and who's responsible for doing it. But we believe it is even more important, critical in fact, that any relationship begin with a clear understanding of what is deeply important to those involved.

So now, during the initial phase of defining this teleseminar project, we're making sure that we understand what's in it for us to work together and our intention for the relationship. What do we hope for by doing this project, how will participating in it move us forward in our relationships with each other, our relationships with our customers, and in support of the Focused Attention mission?

We come back to this question of alignment around our intention whenever we find it challenging to know which strategy will most effectively move the project forward.

In the case of personal relationships, alignment conversations will be about your desire to create the intention you came up with in the 2nd installment of this series.

You might talk about a willingness to negotiate strategies that will work for everyone, a commitment to letting go of judgments and the :whose-right / who's-wrong" thinking. You might talk about how excited you both are about creating a relationship of conscious choice based in the values you hold dear.

An important part of having an alignment conversation is that you try and keep it as strategy-free as possible. During this stage we suggest you make an agreement with the other person that you won't try and figure out how to get what you want or value, and agree to avoid spending time talking about the failures in the past. (Bringing up the past can be useful, but only if doing so is used to understand what the person values that was missing back then, not to assign fault or justify your skepticism.)

Eight - Being gentle with yourself.

Remember in the 3rd installment we gave our definition of compassion as a: Deep awareness and understanding of the suffering of another coupled with the desire to help relieve it.

Last issue's "how-to" of compassion was Not Taking Things Personally. Not taking it personally is essential in being able to be present to another person. Well, it's also essential in being able to stay present to yourself.

I can almost hear some of you asking, "How am I supposed to not take something I say to myself personally?"

During alignment conversations it's very common for the past to creep in and trigger that little voice in your head to start whining and complaining, judging and criticizing how the conversation is going, how the other person is being, how you're being, how it's been in the past, resigned about how will be in the future, etc.

The trick here is to avoid taking what this little voice in your head says personally. When it starts yammering away give it the same presence that you've practiced giving the other people in your relationships.

Remember that everything everyone does or says (including this little voice in your head) is in support of something they value. Imagine this little voice as someone else and ask yourself the same question, "What do I value that would have me say this?"

Be gentle with yourself. There's something vitally important here or your little voice wouldn't be screaming its (your) head off.

If you need to, ask to take a break in your conversation with the other person until you're able to get clear about what's underneath the outburst. Maybe you can even ask the other person to help you get clear about what you must value that would have this little voice in your head saying what it is.

The point here is to commitment to taking the time you need so you can keep your attention focused on what you value, your intention for the relationship, and creating alignment with the other person.

Getting What You Want in Harmony with What You Value

With each newsletter we offer action steps you can take to explore what we've covered, because nothing changes unless you take action.

This Month's Action Steps:

1. Pick at least one person you'd like to have a better relationship with and have an alignment conversation with them.

2. During the conversation, pay very close attention to when you feel tense and be gentle with that little voice in your head. There's something vitally important to you here or it wouldn't be interrupting your conversation.

3. When you notice tension, take a break from the conversation and identify what the little voice is saying. Then ask yourself the question, "What do I value that would have me say this?"

4. We suggest that you set up an entirely separate time to make agreements about what you will do to create your joint intention. An alignment conversation is about getting on the same page and creating an intention that you both would love to have.

In Next Month's Issue

Be sure to read next month's installment of Creating Extraordinary Relationships in Every Area of Your Life. We will be covering more how-to's of compassion and how to start the conversation about creating agreements

Until then remember to create extraordinary relationships in all areas of your life, and expect success!

Published by Beth Banning & Neill Gibson

(c) 2005, Focused Attention, Inc.
phone: 619-421-4413
email:
web: www.FocusedAttention.com

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