Create Extraordinary Relationships
in Every Area of Your Life
Last Installment Number 5

Essentials #9 & #10 for Extraordinary Relationships

Before we get started let's review last month's action steps. In the last issue we suggested that having an Alignment conversation is a way to act on your desire to create an intention for your relationship based in the values you both hold dear, and that it's important to keep the conversation as strategy-free as possible.

Your action steps were to:

• Pick at least one person you'd like to have a better relationship with and have an alignment conversation with them.
  
  
• Pay very close attention during the conversation to when you feel tense, and if that little voice in your head is distracting you to be gentle with it. It's trying to take care of you.

• Take a break from the conversation if you need to and identify what that little voice is trying to tell you that is so important.
  
  
• Set up an entirely separate time to make agreements about what you will do to create your joint intention.

Now that we're back on the same page let's move on to creating agreements. (If you'd like to look at the 8 Essentials in the previous installments in this series you can find them in the FAI eZine Archive)

Nine - 5 Steps for Creating Agreements

The very first thing to know about creating agreements is how to do the Negotiation Dance.

Remember, all along, we have said that having alignment about what we want and sharing the same vision for the relationship makes it much easier to create agreements that bring us what we want.

We suggest that you always start a conversation about creating agreements by remembering your joint intention for the relationship and the desire to negotiate strategies that will work for everyone.

Now that you're both on the same page remembering your shared vision you can turn the music on and start to dance.

The steps to the dance sound something like this: you put your right foot in and you shake it all about. Oops, that's a different dance ;o)

Let's start again,

Step 1 - Right, put your right foot in by coming up with specific things you each can do that would help create your shared intention and vision for the relationship - that would make the relationship "just-right" in your opinion.

Step 2 - Left: put your left foot in by asking them how they are left hearing your strategy. Does it work for them or is there something important that is left out by the strategy you suggest. Remember, you want this to be every bit as satisfying for them as it is for you. (Without some careful choreography here you're likely to step on some toes.)

Step 3 - Right: put your right hand in by asking them to figure out a strategy they think will be totally satisfying for them - one that doesn't leave anything out - that would make the relationship "just-right" in their opinion. (Or lend a hand an help them figure one out.)

Step 4 - Left: put your left hand in by checking how are you are left with their strategy? Is it totally satisfying for you, or is something you value still left out?

Repeat: take what you've discovered so far and keep repeating these four steps as many times as it takes to come up with strategies that are totally satisfying to both of you. Then, make agreements about the specific actions you each will take to create your shared vision and the intention for the relationship.

As soon as you've made agreements you think will work for both of you, go on to step five and create accountability for your agreements.

Step five: now put your whole-self in by creating accountability for your agreements. You do this by setting a specific time for a follow-up meeting. At this meeting you'll discuss how your agreements are going and what might be missing from the strategies or agreements you created.

Without accountability you don't know if what you put in place is actually working and, if it's not working, by the time you haphazardly find that out you may have built up some resignation and resentment.

The accountability meeting is an opportunity to practice the Negotiation Dance again.

Ten - Trusting the Process

Remember our definition of compassion is: a deep awareness and understanding of the suffering of another coupled with the desire to help relieve it.

So far the"how-to" of compassion we've covered are: Giving Your Presence, Not Taking Things Personally, and Being Gentle with Yourself. These "how-tos" are the foundation for the next "how-to" of compassion: Trusting the Process. Trusting the process is putting the brakes on your cynical and skeptical mind, quieting that renegade little voice in your head, and believing it's possible for everyone to be satisfied with the outcome.

To do this we suggest you become an Explorer. An Explorer believes that there is something to discover, they have a commitment to discover it, and they are in action creating strategies to fulfill on their commitment.

Columbus believed that the world was round when many of his peers believed it was flat. He had an Intention to create greater prosperity and opportunity for those he was in relationship with. His belief, intention and commitment gave him the courage to explore territory uncharted by any of his peers.

So we're going to define Exploring as: Discovering strategies intended to create Results that are satisfying for everyone involved.

To become an Explorer in your life you start with a clear Intention and a commitment to discover strategies that will make your Intention a reality. In this case an intention for your relationship.

Believing that you can create an outcome that is satisfying for everyone will give you the courage to stay in the Negotiation Dance until Shift happens. It helps to keep you from getting attached to any one of your strategies or Submitting to the first strategy someone else comes up with.

You begin Exploring by requesting something you would like, without Attachment to your strategy. Your request is only the start of the dialogue, an opener that gets the dance going.

Then you continue the Negotiation Dance while remaining open to Shift, which is the ability to hold on to your vision for the relationship while Negotiating strategies which are in integrity with your shared values.

People only try to control a situation or give up on what they want when they don't trust they can achieve a solution that is satisfying for everyone.

So during the dance please keep in mind these "how-tos" of compassion. They will support you while you are exploring this uncharted territory: Giving Your Presence (to yourself and others), Not Taking Things Personally (remember what they say is not about you), Being Gentle with Yourself (and others), and above all Trusting the Process.

Getting What You Want in Harmony with What You Value

In every eZine we offer action steps you can take to explore what we've covered, because nothing changes unless you take action.

This Month's Action Steps:

1. Pick at least one person you'd like to have a better relationship with and have an alignment and agreement conversation with them.

2. During the conversation, practice doing the Negotiation Dance. Right, left, right, left, etc.

3. Whenever you notice any tension practice the "how-to" of compassion to support you in exploring this uncharted territory.

4. Trust in the process.

In Next Month's Issue

Be sure to read next month's newsletter. Now that we're done with this series we'll be sharing tips and insights in a new area.

Until then expect the best!

Published by Beth Banning & Neill Gibson

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